


A Beginner's Guide on How To Be Majestic

by AbschaumNo1



Series: A Guide On How To Be Majestic [1]
Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works, The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, I Don't Even Know, Parody, Thorin is majestic, exactly what it says in the title, i honestly don't know how to tag this, just read it, more or less
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-09
Updated: 2013-04-09
Packaged: 2017-12-08 00:47:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/755029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbschaumNo1/pseuds/AbschaumNo1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Or how to become the dwarf you've always wanted to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Beginner's Guide on How To Be Majestic

**Author's Note:**

> A collaboration piece written by [SweetLittleVampire](http://sweetlittlevampire.deviantart.com) and me. (You can find her version [here](http://fav.me/d610fki))
> 
> We came up with the idea for this when we were sending each other Hobbit fanart and in reaction to [this](http://fav.me/d5srpvl) I laughed really hard when I read "A beginner's guide on how to be majestic" and we kinda decided to write it...  
> Which we did today during a particular boring class...
> 
> If you don't get point 95... it's okay. It's a reference to a movie night we ha and during which we had a Lord of the Rings (Extended) marathon. She made cupcakes that we spontaneously christened "Moria cupcakes" (and which are awesome...)

  1. Be gruff.
  2. Be proud of your size. Never wear high heels unless you need to peak over a wall out of strategic (or voyeuristic) reasons.
  3. Eat. A lot. Never refuse an invitation to dinner.
  4. Spill as much of your ale as possible while drinking.
  5. Avoid silly songs.
  6. Look into the distance, if convenient. If inconvenient look anyways.
  7. Unless it would kill you. Obviously.
  8. Wear dead animals’ skins and furs. Eat the rest. A dwarf does not join PETA. Nor does he become vegetarian. Or even vegan (for he’s not an elf).
  9. Avoid elves. They’re sparkly and hug trees. And ride moose.
  10.  Imitate your pony’s latest hairstyle.
  11.  If you have the chance to let your hair flow in the wind, do so.
  12.  Never cut your beard unless you’re in mourning.
  13.  When you’re in battle, keep your weapons in the best possible shape.
  14.  Beards extensions are a big no-go. A proudly worn growing beard is more honourable than a cowardly disguised false beard.
  15.  If you’re in spontaneous need of a new shield use the first thing you can grab.
  16.  Always prefer meat over salad. Or any other green food. If you must eat some, try roasting it.
  17.  If you need to look at someone in a grim way, try to show as much of your forehead as possible.
  18.  Never smile more often than ten times in three hours, unless you’re very young or drunk. Very very drunk.
  19.  When being invited to dinner, don’t forget to aim at fellow guests’ open mouths with boiled eggs.
  20.  Never try to hug an Orc.
  21.  Beware of fake Arkenstones on the black market. They’re copies made in China.
  22.  When meeting a Hobbit, greet him yelling “AXE OR SWORD?” at him.
  23.  Never carry handkerchiefs. Use spare parts of your coat.
  24.  Never try to hit on an Elf girl. NEVER.
  25. When travelling with a Hobbit, tell him he has no place amongst you, but save him whenever he’s in danger.
  26.  When encountering trolls on a journey, send out a Hobbit to get food and rescue your horses. It’ll keep you safe.
  27.  Remember: the worst present you could possibly get a dwarf woman is a Ladyshave. Get a nice bead instead. Dwarf ladies love beads!
  28.  Make sure you have enough practice in reading bedtime stories when you have to take care of dwarflings. Especially those including squirrels and dinosaurs.
  29.  Try to keep a Hobbit’s bathroom intact while using it. They’re bad plumbers.
  30.  Emptying the pantry is perfectly fine, though.
  31.  If someone offers you a cheese knife, accept it. It may come in handy as letter opener.
  32.  Be stubborn.  
 _(I am not stubborn._  
 _I am not stubborn.  
I am NOT stubborn._  
 _I AM NOT STUBBORN, BY DURIN`S BEARD!)_
  33. Never trust a wizard’s map. Try using a compass.
  34.  If you have a bad sense of orientation, do not travel alone. You might lose your way. Twice.
  35.  When you see gold, go crazy.
  36.  Beware of dragons. Do not tickle them while they’re asleep.
  37.  Don’t let Bofur describe dragons to Hobbits. They’re _not “_ flying furnaces”. The dragons, I mean.
  38.  A perfect gift for a Hobbit is a pair of foot hair curlers.
  39.  Do as much blacksmith work as possible in your free time. It improves your skills, and the ladies might want to watch.
  40.  If you cannot regain Erebor, consider moving into a Hobbit house. It’s a hole in the ground as well, after all, only smaller.
  41.  Moose antlers are no toys. Nor are they decorative.
  42.  If you party, party hard.
  43.  Only a smelly dwarf makes a good drunk, so do smell – but do it with majesty.
  44.  Keep your braids as tidy and accurate as possible. Rebraid when in need, but never make a girlish face while doing so.
  45.  Carry enough metal beads with you to decorate your braids. If you run out of them, use an old Coke can.
  46.  If in danger, never forget to praise the size of your non-existent parasites.
  47.  Look as majestic and melancholic as possible while smoking your pipe and singing songs in a stranger’s house at night time.
  48.  If you have to write a contract, write it as complicated and long as possible.
  49.  Bury your purse. It may serve as long-term deposit.
  50.  If someone hands you a strangely shaped key, look as shocked and astonished as possible.
  51.  Trust the dwarf with the whitest beard in your group. He probably knows better than you. He probably also has a better sense of direction.
  52.  Do not fangirl when first encountering a Hobbit.
  53.  Be prepared to die for your family. They care for you – do them honour.
  54.  Never make fun of Durin’s beard. It was the most majestic one.
  55.  Actually never make fun of Durin at all.
  56.  Nor of your mother.
  57.  Or the king’s sister. She bites.
  58.  Beware of Gollum. He might be in want of an exotic lunch.
  59.  Only trust rings you have forged yourself.
  60.  Never forget your inner size. Even if you measure less than 1,50m, you might have the heart and grace of a 1,87m one.
  61.  Being majestic is all about attitude. Size does not matter – in every sense.
  62.  Except when you’re talking about your beard.
  63.  Wear the hugest and bulkiest boots you may find. Make sure they have iron caps. They’ll leave epically majestic footprints.
  64.  When hearing someone tell stories about your past as a soldier, make sure to stand on the edge of a mountain at night and look majestic.
  65.  Hate wizards. They might lead you to elves.
  66.  When telling someone to give someone else a pony, don’t forget to speak with a majestically deep voice.
  67.  When being with elves, always assume that they’re insulting you, even if they invite you for dinner.
  68.  It is unfair and rude to throw sausages at overweight dwarves with doughnut-shaped beards.
  69.  Never forget to burp after having emptied your pint. It is utterly majestic.
  70.  Yell at people and insult them before you hug them and tell them you’re happy they’re still alive.
  71.  Know the sound a dragon makes without having ever encountered one before.
  72.  Like oak trees; they make good shields. But do not hug them.
  73.  In fact, never hug a tree. Not even if he asks for it.
  74.  Ents count as trees.
  75.  Be nice to squirrels. They have bushy tails and make pretty coat decorations.
  76.  Have relationships with your horses, but keep them on a platonic level.
  77.  Never try to sing “If I had a hammer” with other dwarves when they’re sober.
  78.  Be insanely happy when you get to ride in a helicopter for the first time.
  79.  Maths, geometry and engineering are both, awesome and majestic.
  80.  If you want to follow the latest fashion, wear braids in your moustache and your hair in a star shape.
  81.  Axe pieces in your skull are no decorative objects. They hurt.
  82.  Stress how underappreciated dwarven realms are whenever you can. (Moria is NOT just a mine, by Durin’s beard!)
  83.  Be prepared to be shipped with the strangest beings. Hobbits, for example.
  84.  If you want to look really majestic, push your braided moustache upwards by making a duck face.
  85.  Never shave completely. You might end up looking like a girl.
  86.  No matter what you do, remember – Uncle knows best.
  87.  If you start losing your capital hair, dissimulate your bald skull under some fancy tattoos.
  88.  Only the fiercest warriors can pull off mohawks.
  89.  Do not smoke when being outside in the rain. It’ll only ruin the tobacco in your pipe.
  90.  Beware of white Orcs. They’re wicked.
  91.  Never underestimate dwarves with sophistically braided hair. They might be the strongest in the company.
  92.  Be careful while naming a dwarf’s gender. Facial hair doesn’t necessarily make a man.
  93.  A group of travelling dwarves is never just a group. It’s a company.
  94.  A respectable dwarf may rather die than to get shaved.
  95.  When being in Moria, do not forget to taste their famous cupcakes.
  96.  When being in Moria, beware of Durin’s Bane.
  97.  Should you witness two dwarves axe- or sword fighting, don’t shout “Can you not do that! You’ll blunt them!”. They might start singing.
  98.  Never try to convince a dwarf that he’s actually living in New Zealand. He won’t believe you anyways. Because he’s too stubborn.
  99.  No company of dwarves can be separated easily.
  100. Learn these rules by heart and recite them aloud in front of a group of friends without laughing. It’ll make you appear insanely majestic.




End file.
